*_Clever Puns_*

☢ Lightning sometimes shocks people... because, it just doesn't know how to *conduct itself*...

☢ A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period... it marks the end of his *sentence*...

☢ A rule of grammar... double negatives are a *no-no*...

☢ Sleeping comes so naturally to me... I could do it with my *eyes closed*...

☢ Atheists don't solve exponential equations... because they don't believe in *higher powers*...

☢ It's raining cats and dogs... well, as long as it doesn't *reindeer*...

☢ I relish the fact that you've *mustard* the strength to *ketchup* to me...

☢ My new theory on *inertia* doesn't seem to be gaining *momentum*...

☢ The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a *seasoned veteran*...

☢ What did the grape say when it got stepped on... nothing, but it let out a little *whine*...

☢ If you don't pay your exorcist... do you get *repossessed*...

☢ Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends... but, what would be the *point*...

☢ I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my

*kleptomania*...

☢ A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens.... a brother is frying chips. "Are you the friar?" he asks. "No. I'm the *chip monk*" he replies...

☢ Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring... the doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've *dyed* a little inside...

☢ What's the definition of a will... it's a *dead giveaway*...

☢ Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was *a-salted*...

.....................................

New stock of pun time! 

Enjoy!

1. My best mates and I played a game of hide and seek. It went on for hours... 

Well, good friends are hard to find.

2.  You’re not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.

3. I broke my finger last week.

On the other hand, I’m okay.

4. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.

You have my Word.

5. eBay is so useless. 

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

6. I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. 

All I did was take a day off.

7. My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. 

I have a hunch, it might be me.

8. Don't spell part backwards.

It's a trap.

9. Our uncle died when we couldn't remember his blood type. 

As he died, he kept saying, children "be positive," but life is hard without him.

10. And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”

But John came fifth, and he got hell.

11. What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? 

Well, the flag is a big plus.

12. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? 

He was lucky it was a soft drink.

13. How did I escape Iraq? 

Iran.

14. To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero.

 Thanks for nothing!

15. Son: "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

Dad: "No sun."

16. My math teacher called me average. 

How mean!

17. Clinic Receptionist: “Doctor, there's a patient on line that says he's become invisible". 

Doctor: “Well, tell him I can't see him right now."